Thursday, January 25, 2007

Emotionally Wrung Out

Okay, I created this title and had something to say even before I read the amazing and supportive comments in response to yesterday's blog. I wept my way through all of your wonderful comments. I am so, so tired. It's been such a long week of doctor appointments and very disappointing news, and aches in my belly, and confusion.

Even tomorrow's chemo is confused because the oncologist wants me to see a urologist to get a stent before I start chemo, and no urologist is available until Feb. 5. Can't wait that long to start chemo. So I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I trust that something will. I am worried about the tumor, and feel that we need to tell it to stop growing NOW, and to shrink.

I told the students in two of my classes today about my cancer and impending chemo, and that was exhausting, too. I didn't want it to be a secret, something some of them knew or heard through the grapevine, and I also didn't want to give them more info than they could possibly want. I told them my chemo would make me sensitive to the cold weather, and that I could show up in class looking like the Abominable Snow-woman . . . or Nanook of the North . . . or something similar.

So I am exhausted from the emotional ups and downs of this week, yesterday feeling things were settled, and having the rug pulled out mid-day about this urologist appointment. And I am so, so grateful for all of your posts, all of your support, suggestions for staying calm and centered, and your words of wisdom. Do trust that I will not delay taking the anti-nausea medicine, and I appreciate all of the first-hand testimony about that! Thank you, thank you, dear friends, friends from church, from long ago and faraway, and now also, from summer camp, from so many parts of my life. I so appreciate your support.

9 comments:

SaintMartha said...

It's only natural to feel like an emotional dishrag but NEVER and I do mean NEVER give up hope. Miracles happen every single day and you could very well witness one in the healing of your body.

It's perfectly normal to worry, cry, rant and rave but don't forget to wear your boxing gloves. You're a strong woman and you can fight the beejeebers out of this beast...other's have done it and you can too!

I am sending a very big prayer your way...I too believe that God can do what we can't.

Martha

Carrie said...

I agree with Saintmartha. And you know, from reading my blog, the emotional roller coaster we've had in just these first two weeks of chemo. I know well how you feel emotionally and just remember, when it all gets too much, give it up to those of us following along and supporting you. Just let it out and let it go. You're allowed and it's important not to hold it in.

You'll be okay. Stand your ground on things. Push to get chemo started. It's very brave of you to tell your students and it's also very thoughtful to think of them and others, while you are dealing with so much. Now that you've done that, let those feelings of responsibility go. This time is for you and every moment should be spent with you foremost in your mind.

I'm here for you Lynne. And I still believe you will get through this and beat it too. :)

Anonymous said...

Lynne.....Holding you close in thought and prayer, being mindful to "believe you well". I think of your glorious, wonderful smile and can't help but feel YOUR strength. After speaking with you at church last Sunday, Dave said to me, "What a beautiful woman!".....You, Patt, Lucy and Nathaniel are with me, especially today as you start chemo....Love, Jamie

Sondra said...

Hope today accomplishes something positive for you. Sometimes members of the medical profession seem to forget that they are dealing with real people with feelings and limits to their patience. If they were on the other side they would see the stress that constantly changing plans causes. You didn't say why the oncologist want the stent first; but if not having it won't intefere with the chemo why not start it and do the stent later if necessary?

You will be in my prayers and thoughts all through this day (it is hard to think of much else); and I know that mine aren't the only ones focussed on you. God be with you, Patty and the "parsonage kids". Sondra

crow said...

As my favorite teacher used to say, "Chin up!" Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Positive energy being sent your way again. Ok to weep, but remember what my sister told me when I was going throught chemo:
you can't see the future through tears.
Stay focused for the future.

Jane (fellow survivor and blogger)

Mary Rogers-Zion said...

Lynn I am a first time blogger but not a first time caretaker of a cancer patient. Things can and will get really tough. Stay postive in the fact that you have Christ holding you. Give him your pain, anger and fear, that way you can concentrate on beating this. Sometimes beating cancer means leaving to be with God. It took me a long to to realize that. That win is for the one with cancer not the ones left behind. We are praying that we will all win and keep you with us. I have had you and your family in my prayers always. Love Mary

Anonymous said...

Lynne, I too am a first-time blogger, and also one of the unfortunate many who find it difficult to talk about this. But, you are important to me - have been since I met you - and I am compelled to comment now. You are often in my thoughts as I wonder how you deal with the emotional roller-coaster. It must be such a hodge-podge of hope and anger. I wonder how you pray at the same time for healing if it is His will, and acceptance of the outcome if healing is not his will. I think it is too bad that you are burdened with decisions about your care. I know it is the right thing, and I am sure you want to weigh all of your options, but I wish for you that someone could hand you the right decisions on a platter! :-)
You are of course in my prayers, and in the prayers of my own network of family and friends (e-mail is a WONDERFUL thing!). I think, were I in your shoes, I would try to continue the thought that with God all will be well... no matter what.
Take care Lynne and God Bless You!
Love,
Mary

Anonymous said...

Lynn,
I know that it is easy to feel overwhelmed and frustrated with all the medical jargon and dr's giving you lots of food for negative thoughts but try to focus on the healing of God's light and know that he indeed is holding you in his loving arms. I agree with Carrie...this is your time. I am always amazed at you who are going through so much always seem to wonder and worry about others!!
I've always been influenced and inspired by your sweet, calm and benevolent ways and now I am in humble awe of your resolve toward fighting this cancer!!
I know I speak for Aram and the kids as well as myself when I tell you we are all beside you and praying and sending healing thoughts your way.
I would bet that when you close your eyes you must feel the energy of all of your friends and family being sent your way. I hope it's light and warmth takes you through this difficult journey.
We love you, Lynn!!
Cori