I owe the title of this blog to one of those who commented on Leroy's blog recently about the anxiety that scans can bring. . . . scanxiety. I knew exactly what she meant.
I wrote this brief "poem" below last Thursday, when I was laid low by pre-scanxiety. Today I am home again, after having my CT scan this morning and having blood drawn for testing. And of course I've looked at the CT pictures, and I can see the new "damned spot" in the abdominal wall, although (by my inexact measurements) it only seems to be 1/3 again larger (from 1.5 cm to 1.9 or so). And something is going on with my kidneys - one of them didn't light up in the contrast dye. I don't know what that means, but I don't like it. Sometime today, I'll talk to the surgeon, Dr. M, and see what his response is to the scan, and what he thinks about my kidney. Until then, I'm going to grade some papers (yes, I do give homework early in the semester!) and sit under the sunlamp for a while.
Am I anxious? Yes, unfortunately.
What is to be done with all of my anxiety?
It fills my body, from tense toes to aching neck and head.
I long for my lost, if false, immortality.
I weep for the body I could count on
To carry me through the day reliably,
To think the thoughts needing thinking,
To shoulder the walking, talking, opening, eating, being
Of daily life.
Where can I put my anxiety?
In my mind, I release it, over and over again,
But the body stores it against my will and
Suddenly I am laid low by tension in all of my body,
Making it impossible to go through my day as planned.
I weep for the body I have lost, already.
3 comments:
hi lynne- things sound so intense right now- medical limbo is a really hard place to be- i wanted to mention that sooner or later you will have made some of these almost impossible decisions and will be doing some sort of treatment, and that will be better i think(at least mentally)-
when my lexie is on treatment, i know what we're going to do very wed.- it's not fun, (and i am only watching), but it's somewhat predictable- when she comes off treatment, it's a crap shoot and so many decisions are always looming-
i hope your medical limbo can come to a halt soon and that you will be feelong good about the direction you're headed-
i love you !!!!
love, alice
Hi Lynne,
I've been watching all day for a post and am sorry that you have concerns about your kidney. I loved your "poem" and my week with you helps me "get" what you are feeling on a level that is hard to achieve when I'm far way.
I hope you have been able to talk with Dr. M. and that it helps you understand what's going on.
For some reason today I pulled out a 1973 West High yearbook with pictures of both of us looking VERY young. Where did the years go?
Hugs,
Bev
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