Saturday, June 09, 2007

Life Lessons




Over the last year, I have been contemplating various life lessons that I found myself revisiting since the diagnosis of gallbladder cancer, and I had such a vivid example of one this morning, I just had to write about it. I believe that each of us comes into this life with lessons to learn, whether small or large, practical or profound. I suspect we may bring these lessons into our very existence as we begin our lives, but it's also possible to imagine them as challenges to our maturity that we bring to our adult selves as we begin to live independent lives. I also believe that life presents us with many opportunities to learn the lessons, so that many of us in mid-life sigh and think "this again!" as we see what challenges a new situation brings.

One of my life lessons has been to learn that I am truly lovable, and to contradict a deeply held belief that I am unlovable. Now, before those of you who know me pull out a list of things you think are lovable about me, know that these lessons, these challenges, just are, come from some deep place within us, and sometimes fly in the face of a more objective reality. I know that I have many lovable qualities, but, deep inside, there is a place of me that has simply felt unlovable. What's the best way to learn this lesson? To let others love me, and in the last year, I have experienced such an outpouring of love and support that moves me to tears and so contradicts this belief that I have about myself. Now, I don't know that I needed to get terminal cancer in order for this belief to be so thoroughly contradicted, but I do know that I've never before had such a consistent and persistent series of contradictions. I have felt the love of family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and even strangers. An example of this occurred about a month ago when my massage therapist called to say that she'd been talking about me with another client, who wanted to pay for 4 reflexology treatments for me. This client believes in the reflexology so deeply that she felt it would help me, and want to me it possible for me to get some treatments. At other times in my life, I would have refused, but instead I gratefully accepted. And the reflexology treatments have been wonderful.

Another life lesson has been to learn to ask for help, and not to assume that I can or should do everything myself. I came into adulthood strongly self-reliant, so much so that it was difficult for me to ask for help, even when I really needed to. This year, and particularly this past spring when I was still working, I understood that folks wanted to be helpful, and that I simply couldn't do everything I had done before. So, I asked colleagues to pick up a bowl of soup for my lunch, or to run to the drugstore to pick up another set of "sea-bands" because I'd left the house without mine. And any sense of false pride that had prevented my asking for help simply slipped away. We need each other, and relying on each other and asking for help is an important piece of that. I'm reminded of the poem that Jamie posted in the "comments" section last time about how we need to see our connections with each other, and to be willing to lean on and love each other.

Another example of folks reaching out to me to fill a need is that of my quilt tops. Several decades ago, I had pieced together quite a few quilt tops, but never had time to finish quilting them and putting the layers together to make them usable bed covers. A few weeks ago, some of the women in the church asked me if they could take the quilts and tie the tops so that my family would be able to use them. I said yes, and they delivered four beautifully tied quilts this week. We envision that Patty, Lucy and Nathaniel will each have a quilt for their very own, to use or to put away.

A third, but by no means last, life lesson that I have struggled with relates to both of those. In my self-reliance and perception as unlovable, it's hard to lean on others and see myself as genuinely part of a community. And yet, on an intellectual level, I have felt that the breakdown of community in American culture has been a profound loss, and I have mourned that loss. On an emotional level, I have also felt in myself a deep longing to be a part of a community, to be held by a circle of loving individuals who care about me and my well-being, and who also care about each other and the larger world we live in. I have consciously created community with other mothers in our "baby group," formed when we were expecting our first children, and still going strong. I have sought community by looking for others who have seen themselves on a spiritual path, as I have envisioned myself on. I now belong to a church community which existed before my arrival and will continue for many, many years past my death, and I value the relationships, care, and active concern we share for each other.

So what happened this morning that made me think about all of this? I woke just before 8:00 to the sound of voices in the garden to the side of our house. Unknown to me, Kim, a friend and parent to one of Lucy's classmates, had organized a "weeding party" on this Saturday morning, and had recruited kids and parents to come weed my garden. I did need to have weeding done, and I have mentioned it to folks who have asked what they could do. I'm not capable of doing it myself right now. Kim saw a need and met it. With almost a dozen pairs of hands, they cleared out a lot of weeds, and now the garden is even more lovely. And in a single, simple act, they contradicted my beliefs about myself and life and reinforced a much most positive vision of our interconnectedness. Yes, I am lovable, and my garden deserves TLC from strong backs and willing hearts, and yes, it's okay to ask for help with the unglamorous job of weeding the flower gardens. And yes, communities both temporary and permanent can be created when folks come together with a task, a desire to serve, an urge to reach beyond ourselves.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Lynne,

Your last two posts were a joy! I can't wait to see your gardens again in July, even though the lovely peonies and spectacular poppies will be gone.

I'm so glad that the church women got the quilts ready to go. I remember the day that Lucy, Nathaniel and Patty were selecting their favorite tops.

You have certainly added more than your share of beauty to our world--quilts, gardens, laughter, love!
Thank you.

Love to you, my lovable friend,
Bev

Anonymous said...

I think we may have gotten some flowers too.

Anonymous said...

Lynne,
I know that many of us who love you are physically far from you. However, if there is anything at all we can do from afar, all you have to do is say the word. (Prayers are a given)
Susan H.

Anonymous said...

Lynne,

This is a wonderful post! I will try to learn from your insights and carry your message with me from now on. I, too, have always felt unlovable in some deep place and never wanted to ask for help even when I needed it. Thank you for helping me see that there is love out there and people who want to help.

How great of the ladies of the church to do the quilts and how kind of Kim to have the weeding party! The pictures of these last two posts are so beautiful.

Please know that you are lovable and that we are all here for you offering whatever we can.

Sondra

Anonymous said...

Lynne,
What an important and beautiful lesson to learn! I think all of us operate under the "unloveable" cloud, at least to some degree..so also, the self-reliance...which, when you think about it, must be linked in some way to pride, huh? You are surely NOT alone in those feelings.
Thank you for sharing your lesson...in fact...thank you for LEARNING it! You are SO loved, and I am glad that you are beginning to know that, even in these awful circumstances.
Please experience the love Lynne - I hope that over time you will come to know how very much you ARE loved - by those who know you alot, and those who know you only a little. You are a very special and unique person, and whether or not you are aware of it, you are planting something profoundly GOOD wherever your existance touches this mortal world.
Three cheers for the quilters and the weeders (even if a couple of flowers were sacrificed)! ;-)
I pray the sun comes out TODAY, so you can enjoy your beautiful, newly-weeded garden,
Love,
Mary M

Anonymous said...

Lynne,

We just wanted you to know that we enjoyed helping you with the garden seeing that we live in a small apartment and have no yard to work in, so anything that we can do to help you we would love.

Through this all we have learned that loving one another and helping those around us is important.
Thank you, Love you

Rosie,Tanya, and Adam

Anonymous said...

Dear Lynne,

You have touched my life in ways that you do not even know. Your quiet serenity even amidst all the pain that you are going through calms my spirit. There have been moments when I have felt our spirits touch and I feel blessed. Yes you are loved!

Lillie

Anonymous said...

lynne- those are some beautiful quilts !!!! and your flowers are amazing !!! i had to stop and smell them when i dropped off lucy the other day- they smelled more lovely than they look- your spirit continues to shine in your words-
i love you, lynne-
love, alice

Anonymous said...

Lynne....The lessons you continue to teach us through your living and experiences never ceases to amaze me. Thank you for being you. Love you, Jamie

Elaine Pascale said...

This post really touched me, Lynne. I too have been struggling with/and learning these very same lessons. I also had a very profound experience recently that reaffirmed these lessons: a friend of mine's son died three weeks ago after a long struggle. My family has been intertwined with theirs for years and we were a part of the entire service: my son helped build the coffin, I handled the food for the wake and funeral, may daughter babysit their youngest child, etc. As I looked around, I saw that it wasn't only my family being so involved but many of our other friends' families as well. I realized that we are really connected, really a community. After the funeral weekend was done, the mother of the deceased took my hand and said, "I can't believe you have been here the whole time" to which I replied, "Because you called." And it was as simple as that, and I realized it will always be as simple as that. When we need things, we just have to call. I wish it didn't take illness and other serious things to make us realize this, but I'm grateful to be learning the lesson. And I remain grateful to all of your teachings and your wonderful way with words.

Anonymous said...

It's so sunny and beautiful today, just like you, Lynne! I just read Mary M's comment, and it's kind of uncanny: she said everything I would like to say -- so ditto to Mary M and love to you!

Mary F

Anonymous said...

Lynne,
Never for a minute doubt that you are loveable...you are one of the most loveable and easily loved people I know!!
When thinking of what makes up that "Lynne aura" that I see glowing around you...I see so many loving images....among them...
You are bending down to a wiggly Nathaniel...half grin on your face as you calmly and lovingly offer some advice or listen to a story.
Or maybe it's the image of you...in your kitchen...things perking on the stove,oven mitt on hand...happily encouraging us to taste the tray of many cookies...of many shapes, sizes and variety...each bite speaks of your loving touch and patient time...the thoughtful conversations share and the image of you shaking a tambourine, head back, singing and smiling ...filled with the spirit and letting it shine~
You are most loveable...and trust that if I've named but three loving images of your life....there are thousands more...and multiply that times the number of people whose lives you've touched in so many many ways!
As for accepting and welcoming help...a topic full of issues, isn't it?
Issues with relinquishing power over situations...feeling like you are admitting that you cannot do something alone...having to deal with someone else's way of doing a task you meant to do by yourself.
I most admonish myself when I find myself moving through a task, muttering uselessly to myself and harboring resentment of a task or activity that I easily could have...and should have simply asked for a helping hand....realizing that...no, Corinne....people CANNOT read your mind. You really DO have to ask...and they will come!
I think that sometimes....my own bag and baggage make my life harder than it needs to be.
I agree...another of life's lessons that we need to learn: you truly give to others when you allow them to give to you. We are all sharing the same light..we need only open the shades and then! Voila! We are connected !
Enjoy connecting with those that love you, Lynne!!
Love and light,
Cori

Elbow said...

Hi Lynne-
I am so glad you wrote that last post (although I am grateful for all of them). It reminds us that a little planning and effort can go a long way to help the oh-so-lovable people in our lives. I am happy that your friends know you well enough to know exactly what you need!
You are always in my thoughts Lynne.
Love, Liana